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PROCRASTIN… what?
NEW JERSEY--Merck Laboratories announced today in a press release that they will begin public marketing for their newly developed drug called PROCRASTIN ™. Meant to battle the ongoing battle many face with deadline anxiety, the general passage of time, and other stress disorders, the new drug claims to cool down overly active endorphin levels as well as providing a general calming relief to the user.

In early animal tests, the drug was hailed as being the Prozac of stress. The scurrying of lab rats declined to a light skip and a jump. What’s more, the hamsters’ mating habits and subsequent offspring production decreased by nearly ten-fold. “Suddenly,” says Dr. Weightmore, Procrastin’s production team leader, “It was as though the hamsters, after being administered the drug, considered each other, and just thought: ‘Meh—this can wait.” Dr. Weightmore ensures that these types of libidinal results will not affect humans, only rodents.
“The point is that they’re calming down. It’s really a miracle, and we’re excited to present it to pharmacies all over America,” said the doctor.

Side effects of the drug are still being studied. In some early human cases, the strength of the drug was so potent that participants actually stopped taking it, some citing that after the first few doses, they just decided “I’ll take another tomorrow.” A handful of other cases revealed people losing their jobs, destroying relationships, developing acute cases of boredom.

On the other hand, another set of cases revealed that participants in the testing experienced high bursts of creativity and spontaneity: results which other drugs have seldom produced. Some participants (or those close to them) reported the drug causing a manner of strange symptoms such as: singing loudly along to Journey in bedroom mirrors, taking uncharacteristically long naps, extending and elaborating during conversation, developing engaging hobbies such as cutting out fashion magazines, and of course, eating. While these activities are highly interesting and engaging, they are perhaps not efficient, relevant, or beneficial to the parties involved. “It was just weird,” Henry Mow (Pittsburg) says of his wife, Molly, one of the first to try Procrastin. Says Henry: “She started… learning piano, cooking. I think there was something else she was trying to ignore, but she wouldn’t tell me what it was. And yeah, I ended up doing the taxes this year, hours before the April 15.” Molly herself commented: “You know, I do feel like there’s something—strange about the product, in a way that I can’t put my finger on… but I don’t need to find out right now, it’s really not that urgent. I mean, I’m fine, right?”

Despite the ambiguous and evasive compliments given to the drug by Molly and those like her, critics predict that the reception of the drug by the masses will fail miserably because it can only suspend symptoms of stress, and will not actually treat the cause. “Sometimes,” says Dr. Footbear, one of the drug's foremost critics, “the only way to really get that nagging feeling to go away is to actually sit down with the stressor and work it out. Get it done.”

On the historical cue of Dr. Footbear, Dr. Weightmore stopped waiting and discussed the possibilities of perhaps developing a parody drug to Procrastin called Prudentin (not to be confused with Colgate’s Prodentin) which will get people up and moving. His first words after meeting with Merck's execs a few days ago: “Well, I talked to the heads. They kind of want to wait and see how this first batch of Procrastin goes. You know, it’s more chemically difficult to make a drug that will enliven people than one that will slow them down. Science has proven: entropy’s always easier. I think the real answer is because our desired slogan for this new drug has already been taken by Nike. But like they said, we’ll just wait and see. It’ll happen some day, I’m sure.”

Until that day comes, there’s nothing wrong with trying out the newest trend in medicine! Procrastin will be available in drugstores everywhere tomorrow. Or the day after that.